Yes, you have to....

I don't WANT to! It's HARD!
I know it's really hard right now, but the more you do it the easier it gets. It was hard for me when I first started doing it, too. I don't always want to do my work either, but it has to be done. Now, let's get to work.

It's not FAIR! So-and-So doesn't have to do it!
LIFE isn't fair, not for you, not for me, or any other person. And So-and-So has to do other things that YOU don't have to do. Now, let's get to work.

I don't know HOW to do this!
Lucky for you, we have a ton of information available to help you get started! Pick which piece you want to look at first. Now, let's get to work.

I am NOT going to do it!
Yes, you most certainly are going to do it. AND you are going to change your attitude NOW. It's my job to make sure this gets done, and done as well as you can do it, and I take my job very seriously. Now, let's get to work.

I don't want to because I think I'll do a bad job at it.
First, if I thought you weren't able to do this I wouldn't insist that you do. I KNOW you can, and I believe you can do a terrific job! I promise, if I see you giving your best effort and doing your best work, I will never be angry or upset with you. Now, let's get to work. 

OK....will you help me?
Yes! I will ALWAYS help you, whenever you need me. Remember, help means I give you some tips and guidance while you do it - it doesn't mean I'm going to do it FOR you. Now, let's get to work.

I did it!! Did you see that?! I really did it!!
Wow! It feels great when you do something that you thought was too hard for you, doesn't it?! All that patience and work really paid off - AWESOME JOB!!

I bet you're thinking you just read a conversation I've had with my children at some point. Yeah, I've had talks similar to this with each one of them, but this particular conversation is the one I have had, and will continue to have, with some teachers who educate my kiddos on the autism spectrum.

I believe that every educator has the ability to teach my children. Some don't have the knowledge, experience or skill sets required to understand how an ASD student learns or why they behave in certain ways, but those are things that can be learned - as long as a person is WILLING to learn new methods, ask for help and approach the challenge with a good attitude.

Now, let's get to work. :)

If I Teach You Nothing Else...

It's fairly safe to assume that my children will forever after have access to spell check, a calculator and the wold wide web for research. Academically, I have no doubt that they will surpass my knowledge. But there are things that only I, as their mother, am responsible for teaching them before they head off into the "real world".

If I teach them these things, I will consider myself a success in the mothering department:

What you need is vastly different then what you WANT
As your parent I will ALWAYS provide the things you need - you will have a home, food, clothing, education, discipline and boundless, limitless, unconditional love. Your home may not have a pool or be in the neighborhood you'd like to live in, your clothes may not be the latest "HAVE to have" brand name, you will not always like the meals I make and it's a sure bet you won't like the consequences enforced when you make poor choices. And you will LIVE through not having everything everything you want! Regardless of all else, when you go to bed at night, you will have no doubt that you are loved simply because you are my child.

You don't have to like me, but you WILL always treat me with respect
I am more than ok with you not liking me - I didn't always like my Mom either! But you will ALWAYS talk to me and treat me with respect - I have earned that. Learn it, live it, love it because you will need this every day of your adult life. You cannot go to work and your call your boss or co-workers names, talk to them with a snotty attitude and slam your office door because you're angry. Do those things and you'll be jobless.

I am not your best friend, and you aren't mine
I will forever be your loudest cheerleader, your fiercest advocate, the door that is always open, the hug that's a little too tight and too long, the shoulder to cry on and ear that will listen to problems and challenges you face. I'm your Mom. Being your Mom isn't a popularity contest and I won't make decisions based on how much you like me because of what I've decided. There are parts of my life that are adult only topics - I have friends to discuss those things with and frankly, some things are just none of your business.

Do it the best you can the FIRST time
Half-assed just isn't going to cut it - not here during your childhood and not in your adult life. You will not ever hear me give you grief because you did the best job you are capable of doing. However, putting forth little to no effort in a job or assignment you are expected to complete is unacceptable. I can guarantee you will spend far less time doing whatever it is to your best ability than you will spend listening to me lecture and serving the consequence of blatant laziness.

Stand up for what is right, even if you're standing alone
Your Dad and I have spent every day of your life teaching you right from wrong. Don't let a group of peers steer you away from the things you've been taught throughout your life! The fastest way to see yourself in an ugly light is to abandon your core beliefs. Integrity is a character trait that takes years to prove to the world (and yourself!) and mere minutes to destroy. Do what you know is right - your true friends will still be around when you do.

And lastly....

Girlfriends, Boyfriends and Friends will come and go - Family is FOREVER
You will have so many people during your life that come for a period of time and then are gone - lost friendships, broken romances, friends who move away. But no matter what, you have a family that loves you and will always be there when you need them. You are going to fight with your siblings 1000's of times during your childhood but when push comes to shove you KNOW that there's a group of people in your corner that love you and will be there whenever you need them. No friend in the world will ever love, support and go to the wall for you the way your brothers and sister will!

If you learn and believe these things, I will have succeeded in the most important role of my life.

The Letters "LRE" Give Me Hives

Yes, I know, I am supposed to be thrilled when I hear "He's doing GREAT! We really think he's ready to move into his general education class(es). Our goal is for him to function well and learn in the Least Restrictive Environment (LRE)." Logically, I know that is the goal for my little Einsteins; emotionally, I go into panic/no, not yet! mommy mode.

I start wondering, mostly to myself in the wee hours of the night: "What's so great about transitioning into the gen ed class(es)? He's exceling in his academics, he has friends he actually talks to in class, his behavior is typically super (or is easily redirected), his anxiety level is almost nil in regard to school. I adore his teacher(s) and aides and we communicate with each other well and often. Why on earth are we fixing something not broken?!"

Then, I remember why. No matter how hard I try or how much I want it, I can't keep them in a bubble where they don't have to expand on the social and coping skills they've worked so hard on learning. Someday my babies will have to venture out into the "real world" where there are co-workers, bosses, girlfriends that turn into wives, crowds of people to contend with and environments that aren't completely structured. They have to be prepared to live independent, happy lives and the only way to become prepared is to gradually keep moving into the "normal" world now. BUT, that doesn't mean I have to relish idea.

Part of my dread stems from a purely selfish place. When our 6th grader moved into an inclusive classroom a few months ago, life became dramatically easier for all of us. No more 3 hours of homework a night - he finishes nearly every piece of work during school hours now. No more phone calls about unmanageable behaviors - he has actually started removing himself to a quiet spot and calming himself before there's an escalation to "meltdown". No more teachers who "don't get it" - he's surrounded by people he trusts, cares about and, most importantly, "get it" all day long. I'd be a liar if I said inclusive classrooms haven't made MY life a lot easier.

Another piece is the protective mama instinct running rampant. Right now, my boys LOVE their teachers, their classmates, their routine. (Change is NOT a happy word around here) The transitions are going to be hard for them, they will have some anxiety and fear of what's "different". There will be kids in their class(es) who think they are "weird" and may tease or taunt them. There will most certainly be chants from my boys of "That's not the way Mrs. _____ does it!" What if their teacher becomes aggravated with their rigidity and doesn't know how to help them cope? The list could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the idea.

Tomorrow my baby boy will transition to his general education kindergarten class for essentially the whole day instead of the hour and a half he's been going each day. In August my 7th grader will transition back to a block of general education classes with just a couple of hours a day in his current classroom. And yes, my heart is beating a little faster just thinking about these changes in their routines. Like I said, the letters LRE give me hives.

My Politically Incorrect Statement on Bullying

When I was about 5 or 6 I played with a little girl in our neighborhood who's older brother lived to tease and torment us. He relished making us cry and run home to "tell". One day, my dad had enough - enough of me coming home crying instead of standing up for myself. So he said, "If you come home crying again because he's picked on you and you didn't stand up to him, I'M going to spank you." I believed him. So when the little snot picked on us again, I decked him - bloodied that older boy's nose and sent him home crying! That wasn't exactly what my dad meant for me to do, but I didn't get punished for it either. AND he never bothered my friend and I again.

Now, I AM NOT advocating, promoting or supporting punching a bully in the nose or telling your child to use physical force in resolving an issue with a bully. In these times, you'll end up being sued and probably lose, even if the meanie had it coming!

However, I AM pretty tired of hearing adults say "Boys will be boys", "All kids get teased at that age", "Girls
are just mean at this age - it's a normal phase" and at the top of my list is "You should feel sorry for him. He's got poor self esteem and so he picks on other kids to feel powerful...poor thing."

Guess what? There's no law of the land that boys have to degrade and hurt each other; there's nothing in the handbook of life that says teasing someone is an okay thing to do; I've yet to find a rule for girls that says it's perfectly fine to be mean from the years of ___ to ____. And seriously, feel sorry for the child who makes another child miserable at every opportunity?! NOT happening, not with me. I don't feel sorry for them - I feel anger towards them.

I am sure that I am 17 miles over the political correctness line by saying this, and I don't care. I'm sick to death of adults making excuses for children who are just plain mean! It's high time someone said to the Bully on the Block, "You! Knock it off! It's not ok and it's not funny. I promise you, if I ever see you bullying another child you will be the sorriest, saddest child in this city. Are we clear?"

I am not callous, and I don't deny the fact that there are children who's sense of worth has somehow become tied to their ability to inflict emotional and/or physical pain on other kids. Yes, some bullies need guidance in identifying other areas where they can achieve recognition and excel, but you can't help them without first making them STOP. If you saw someone walking down Path A but knew Path B was really the road they needed to take to get to their destination would you just stand there and watch them keep headed the wrong way? No, I'm betting 99% of you would yell, "Hey! STOP! You're going the wrong direction!"

No more excuses, no more looking the other way, no more "It's none of my business. He/She isn't MY child." Stand firm, use your 'I mean business' face, invoke the power of your Mom/Dad voice and say STOP!

"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." Albert Einstein

I Understand, So Don't Worry!

Over the past week I have essentially become the PITA of our school corporation. The decision by corporation administration and school board members to cut the autism consultant position beginning in the 2011-2012 school year has propelled me into "Mission Mom" mode and I have been using every available personal and public platform available to express my disappointment and anger over this decision. And I am certainly not alone!

BUT I want to explain a few things to my friends in the teaching field and others who may be impacted by how vocal I am being regarding this issue:

1. I understand that while many of my teacher friends support our stance in the privacy of their homes, they cannot use their voice publicly to stand with me and the other parents who are fighting this decision. You have jobs that you need to keep and students who depend on you. PLEASE do not worry or think that I am disappointed or angry at you for not joining our "mission". Your hands are tied and I understand.

2. There are parents of students in our school corporation that for one reason or another cannot publicly voice their negative opinions on the various budget cuts in 2011-2012. It's OK! Not everyone is comfortable or able to be a "trouble maker", and I don't harbor any resentment towards anyone for their decision. As your friend, I ALWAYS want you to make your decisions based on what is best for you and your family :)

That being said, I also want you to know and try to understand why I have to make a stand, whether that leads to me being thought of as a PITA or not:

1. Of my five school age children, 3 are students with IEP's in place. Two of those three are on the autism spectrum. It is my job to protect their educational rights and do everything within my power to ensure they receive every service available that will help them become independent, productive adults. There is absolutely NO DOUBT in my mind that not having an autism consultant available will negatively impact my ASD students.

2.  Academics are, of course, very important, but there are life lessons that I believe every child needs to learn. Being able to stand up and fight for the things you believe are important is one of those life lessons. We are a house filled with visual learners. I truly believe that my children both need and deserve to see me stand strong in my beliefs, and when necessary go to the mat defending those beliefs. Each one of my children needs to know and believe that the MOST important thing to me is THEM. They need to see for themselves that I will do whatever it takes, whatever is within my power, to make sure their needs are met at home and at school. They need to understand that sometimes when you take a firm stand in your beliefs, there will be people who don't like it and try very hard to make you be quiet and back down. They will have many tests in life, but the test of character will always be the important one - the one that will determine the course of their lives. It's my job to make sure they have the tools to pass that test. If doing that leads to me being labeled as a PITA, so be it.

"When you have decided what you believe, what you feel must be done, have the courage to stand alone and be counted." - Eleanor Roosevelt-

Dollars and Sense

Yesterday was the day I finally realized, without a doubt, that the administration of our school corporation has issues far worse than a lack of dollars to spend - they have a lack of sense that permeates their decision making ability. Even worse than a lack of sense, I now believe that "the suits" are far more concerned with standardized test scores, athletic programs and a constant CYA vigil than they are about the students they are charged with educating. It leaves me with a very heavy heart and a disgusting taste in my mouth.

Let's start with some background: From kindergarten through 4th grade my son suffered through school, begging to be home schooled. I received multiple phone calls each week describing behaviors like hiding under desks, stuffing himself into cubbies and tantrums that were self injurious. I was told "his day is shot, just come pick him up" at least 3 times a month. Teachers refused to let him attend field trips if I or his father didn't come along. When I visited to have lunch with him, I would sit in my car and sob as I observed recess after lunch; my son sat alone by a trash can playing with his "friends", the bugs, or sometimes would swing, again all alone.

I began asking questions about autism when he was in first grade. "Oh no, no, no, no. He's far too smart to be autistic....He needs more discipline....you coddle him too much...." And so I followed the advice of the building administrators, because they knew what they were talking about, right? They wanted my child to be happy, healthy and well educated, right?

By third grade I had had it. We had been seeing a child neurologist who diagnosed my then 8 year old with OCD, and began talking about Asperger's syndrome as a real possibility. In he summer between 4th and 5th grade he was officially given a medical diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder.

I immediately shared this with the staff at his elementary school and was immediately met with fierce resistance. I began nothing short of a war to have the school conduct an educational evaluation. Finally, when the principal's request for yet another meeting to discuss my son's "behavior" was met with my reply of "Our attorney has advised me to not meet with any staff without her present", I got my requested evaluation - and I got it FAST. Nothing makes administration move so quickly as hearing the word "attorney" :)

Enter my son's guardian angel on earth, the school corporation's autism consultant. She called me the first day she went to observe and has been diligent in her communication with me since. It took her very little time observing and interacting with him to make an educational diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. She was with me for the grief, the anger, the tears. She came to IEP meetings during her maternity leave so that I had someone on my son's side. It took about 12 minutes for my son to completely trust and love her. It took me about 12 minutes and 5 seconds. I KNEW without a doubt that she was truly invested in seeing my child succeed, and my trust in her saved the school corporation a lot of money. She "talked me down" from the edge of suing the corporation more than once.

Fast forward to yesterday: I received the news that the autism consultant position has been eliminated through budget cuts. I was devastated, angry, sad and scared - I still am reeling. How are we going to navigate the rest of middle school and then high school without her?

But, thank goodness, there is room in the corporation's budget for 2 new positions in the central office! Why, they have been such a huge help so far, with 2 more people there I can only imagine how services for students with autism will be maintained and enhanced! (In case you didn't catch it, the previous statement is dripping with sarcasm.)

I have never asked, nor investigated, what the autism consultant salary was -I've only been convinced that it was nowhere near enough. Whatever the number was, it will be dwarfed by the cost of independent educational evaluations, attorney costs and other various outside resources that parents will now have to demand the corporation pay for in order to receive the educational and psychological services guaranteed to students with disabilities through federal law.

How's that for Dollars vs. Sense?

Dear Indiana Government Officials and Indiana Educators

If you live in, or anywhere near Indiana you know that there is a raging war of words between our governor and the educators of our state. The governor believes students will be better served by implementing new accountability standards for educators and negating their right to use collective bargaining in contract negotiations. Educators believe the governor's plan sabotages public schools, pours money into ineffective charter school programs and undermines teachers' ability to receive fair contracts. I think I got most of it in this tiny nutshell. If you want the nitty gritty details, trust me, you don't have to try too hard to find them from either side of the issue!

I don't have a solution to make everyone happy. Honestly, in the political arena, there is seldom ANYTHING that makes everyone happy. I am torn myself on the issue and have been researching both viewpoints. I DO know that the way the 'debate' is going now isn't productive for anyone, including taxpayers and students of Indiana. So I have this radical, crazy idea that I'd like Governor Daniels and all the others involved to at least consider.....

How about we start from here on out with some ground rules for the debate:

1.) When entering a meeting with the 'other side', greet each person with "Hello my friend!" Yes, I'm stealing this from my son's special education kindergarten teacher. It's amazing how a friendly greeting can start things off on a good note.

2.) You may only use kind words in your speech bubble. Yet another gem from kindergarten this year! There will be no personal attacks, no name calling, no accusations of wrong without proof.

3.) There will be no shouting over each other to be heard - if you need them, I will provide sets of my turn/your turn signs for the meetings. Remember, the first rule of good communication is LISTEN. That one comes from a super autism consultant's social skills lesson.

4.) Take a break if you need one. It's better to take 5 or 10 minutes to calm down than waste hours having a meltdown. I'd suggest having some sensory tools on the table like fidgets, chewing gum, mints, etc. An overstimulated, overwhelmed debater is a cranky debater ;)

I'm sure you've noticed that all of these rules come from special education classrooms teaching students with autism. Have you also noticed that these rules can, and should, be used ALL the time by everyone? Maybe what Governor Daniels, the state legislators and educators need is a week or two of social skills lessons and kindergarten morning message. Conflict is inevitable on hot button issues, but if I expect my 5 and 11 year old children with autism to play by these rules I think it's reasonable to expect adults debating education reform to follow them as well.

Rock the Boat...Don't Rock the Boat, Baby

Today I participated in a debate, via Facebook comments, about the education reform plan supported by Governor Mitch Daniels here in Indiana. I do not intend on carrying the debate over into my blog, but instead am writing tonight about a comment made while discussing whether the reform would be unfair in how special education staff would be evaluated for merit based pay.

A wonderful friend commented that many parents in our school district are unsatisfied with special education services and how services are provided but things will not change because individuals are not willing to "rock the boat", either themselves or form as a group. Maybe she has a point, but boat rocking comes at a price and in my humble opinion, is to be saved for times when no other acceptable option is available. Not to mention that if you continually rock the boat, you are sure to be thrown overboard by the people who don't want to end up in the water with you ;)

You should know that I am the daughter of a boat capsizer (yes, I just made that word up - it's my blog and I can make up words lol) My mother is a force of nature when she takes on a cause, works to right an injustice or Heaven forbid goes into Mother/Grandmother Bear mode. She took on the Indiana State Board of Education in the 1980's and WON; she physically threw herself across one of her pediatric patients to prevent a procedure until the child's specialist arrived (by the way, the specialist was thrilled she stopped the unnecessary procedure); I had to say to her once, "Mom! I have to come back here - please!" when she was more than ready to beat my OB/GYN over the head with a boat after I developed a severe infection 4 days after giving birth to my first child. So, I come from boat rocking lineage and am pretty darn good at it when needed!

Like I said, I believe rocking the boat should be viewed as a last resort method of getting needed results. My Mom taught me early that 'honey gathers more flies than vinegar' and I know that to be true. Besides, I really am a nice, cooperative person at heart so I would rather have someone choose to work with me because they know we are both trying to achieve the same goal than force and intimidate someone to work with me. Now, if honey doesn't work after sincere efforts, you gotta' be ready and able to makes waves....

My children are all in a good educational environment for them now. I am working with multiple staff members and seeing positive results in all three of my children with IEP's in place. Did I have to rock the boat to get to this point? Heck YES I did! Do I regret the fallout from those actions? NOPE! There are individuals who were friends that aren't any longer, staff that doesn't much like me and I'm quite certain I've been called things other than my God-given name - but my babies are all in healthy, happy learning environments now so I am completely okay with all of those things.

Yes, I can Rock the Boat. But sometimes, it's better for everyone if you Don't Rock the Boat, Baby. My Mama is proud :D

NOW I Know Why It's Called Language ARTS

My aspie's sixth grade Language Arts class could be the considered the seventh circle of Hell for me. It isn't the teacher - she's a wonderful, caring, understanding woman who definitely knows her stuff. It's the writing projects that lead me to dreaming about jamming a pencil in my own eye rather than work on them with C.

My son is incredibly imaginative, creative and intelligent. He reads at an 11-12th grade level and has a vocabulary that resulted in his 5th grade teacher making the rule "You can answer out loud IF you promise to use words other 5th graders know." He has the capacity to become an extraordinary inventor, scientist or engineer. He will NEVER be a writer.

I suppose a part of the pain I experience during these writing projects stems from the fact that I am and always have been one who loves to write. I can express myself best in written word; it is a release for me to put my fingers to the keyboard - or pen to paper - and 'say' what I'm thinking and feeling.

C is my polar opposite when it comes to expressing himself and his knowledge via the written word. He'd rather I pull out his fingernails than be verbose in his writing. This is the child who answered an essay question in elementary school with "See page 67". His reasoning was that obviously the teacher would know he read the material because he told her exactly where to find the answer and writing something already written in a book is just a waste of time. Sigh....can you hear the thumping of my head against the nearest wall?

C is absolutely unwavering in his belief that writing should use the fewest words possible, when he's the writer. That brain of his simply cannot comprehend why a teacher would want him to use a lot of descriptive words to tell her about something she already knows. Add that to the fact that handwriting is a huge chore for him and his very literal, black and white thinking and you've got a literary disaster in 50 words or less.

I feel for his Language Arts teacher. I can truly understand how frustrating, disappointing and maddening it is to try and coerce him into writing anything with some substance. His teacher this year has extended deadlines for him and even allowed him to bring an essay exam home to complete. She isn't at fault in any way - it's the damn autism spectrum disorder that's to blame (and if we're being totally honest, I do blame him some, too. Lord, that child is STUBBORN!)

The current project he's already late in turning in involves writing a reflection consisting of a minimum of 5 paragraphs, 5 sentences minimum in each paragraph, and creating an audio collage of "several" songs that he thinks convey the message in the book and writing about how each of the songs relate to the story. All I can say is UGH, UGH, UGH!!! Tonight he quibbled with me about the meaning of several - he insisted it means only 3. He then managed to choose ONE song and write ONE sentence about how it applies to the book. That was an hour of work - he may have this done by the time he finishes 7th grade at this rate. And it's a safe bet that I'll be bald by the time he finishes....




 

When God Created Special Ed Teachers...

I have read many times the story of the angel asking God about the many attributes he gave to mothers. Stealing the idea, this is the conversation I believe God had with the angel when he created the Special Ed teacher.

"God you've taken a lot of time with this one. Why has it taken you so long to create her? What is it that makes this one so special?"

"Oh Angel, THIS one must be perfect! She will tend to my extra special children. She will be a Special Education teacher."

"God, you've already created the teacher. Do you really have to make another? How is this one different?"

"Angel, this is the person who will teach the children my other teachers believe are unteachable. She will have a voice sincere, gentle and loving that still commands the respect and love of her students. Her smile will be genuine and light up a room."

"But God, you have already made that person I have seen her myself."

 "Yes dear one, but this one will have an endless amount of patience for repeating lessons and teaching social skills. She will maintain order in what others see as a chaotic environment. She will be screamed at yet never lose her temper. She will help my children conquer their fears and learn self dependence."

"Angel, this one will be one of my finest works ever! She will understand why a child is upset when the rest of the world sees only bad behavior. She will have a never ending supply of positive words, hugs and creative solutions to the problems my extra special children encounter."

"God, is that why you have made her heart so large? So that she can do all these things with love?"

"Yes Angel, but she will do SO much more! She will listen to the parents of the children she teaches as they cry, talk them through their frustrations and fears and be one a parent trusts completely with their child. You see Angel, these parents know they have been blessed with the gift of an extra special child and they do not trust others to care for them easily."

"Heavenly Father, are you sure you want to expect so much from one teacher? It seems like her life will be difficult and demanding - well beyond the normal difficult and demanding, actually."

"Yes my Angel, but I have given her FAITH and STRENGTH in huge quantities. She is by far one of my most resilient and tough creations. She will stand up and fight for her students with a boundless amount of determination and ferocity. She will advocate for 'her' children with every breath, sometimes in a room where no one else will join her in the fight. She will believe in each child's unique ability to succeed, and most importantly, she will teach THEM to believe in their ability to succeed!"

"WOW! You've outdone yourself this time God! What a miraculous creature!"

"Dearest Angel, do you not see yourself in my creation?"

"What? I don't understand...."

"Angel, her most important feature is her HEART. I have given her an angel's heart."

THANK YOU to every teacher, aide and therapist who teaches my children, mentors and guides me and has become a friend I cherish. When God created you he broke the mold :)

The Hammer's Gonna' Fall....

It has been a VERY bad week for my 6th grader with autism. Three days out of school suspension, a not so great day his first day back and more emails and phone conversations with school staff than I care to recall (the ones I LIKE talking to know who they are, so don't be offended!) By this morning my last nerve was frayed, my patience had run dry and I was far beyond frustrated - I swore that if he had another bad day today, I was checking myself into the Rubber Ramada for an extended stay. (God bless the teacher's aide who quickly got my 5 yr old in meltdown mode out of the car and into school this morning. She saved my sanity and possibly his psyche...)

Those of you who know me know that I am a firm supporter of consequences for bad choices, whether those choices are made by one of my neurotypical kiddos or my ASD kiddos. There are consequences at home for poor choices made at school. My children don't get a pass because they have autism.

That being said, DON'T expect my support when you are an ignorant, uninformed blockhead. I've traveled the road of teachers and administrators who would rather label my child as 'emotionally disturbed' than put the effort into teaching my child who has an autism spectrum disorder, and I won't go there again. I am a stronger mother and advocate than I was 3 years ago. I WILL NOT allow educators who are too lazy or inept to follow IEP and BIP goals to run roughshod over him. And I most certainly WILL NOT allow my child's autism diagnosis to be disregarded by educators who have far less knowledge of ASD's and how to work with children on the spectrum than the clinicians, specialists and doctors who diagnosed him.

Ladies and gentleman, THE HAMMER'S GONNA FALL. There will be NO MORE "diagnosis" made by educators who spend maybe 5 hours a week with my son. Do you seriously believe that you are qualified to say that his behavioral issues are manipulative, and not a manifestation of ASD symptoms and characteristics?! NEWS FLASH - If you were qualified to make that kind of judgement call we'd call you doctor or specialist.

Tonight I'm going to give you a free lesson in vocabulary and ASD characteristics. You'll want to take notes, even memorize this information, because this is the last time I'm going to explain it to you. Believe me when I tell you without an ounce of hesitation that you DO NOT want to start a battle with me and YOU WILL do what is best for my child, implementing all of the IEP directives, BIP plans and proven behavioral strategies provided to you by staff that is trained and knowledgeable about working with ASD students.

Requirements for successful manipulation - According to Simon, successful psychological manipulation primarily involves:


1.manipulator concealing aggressive intentions and behaviors.


2.manipulator knowing the psychological vulnerabilities of the victim to determine what tactics are likely to be the most effective.


3.manipulator having a sufficient level of ruthlessness to have no qualms about causing harm to the victim if necessary.


Consequently the manipulation is likely to be covert

First, my child doesn't have the ability to recognize psychological vulnerabilities in a person. He can't even accurately read facial expressions and tone of voice many times! Yes, my child can be aggressive; his aggression is triggered by his inability to self regulate when overstimulated, his inability to rapid recall coping strategies and his inability to accurately put what he is feeling into words at times. I wish you could trade places with him for one day - maybe then you would understand how seeing the world in only rigid, black and white terms causes extreme anxiety. There are no shades of gray for him, there is right and wrong, there is no middle ground. He lives in a world of specifics, a world where comfort and peace come only when he can be sure of every tiny facet of the rule. The unexpected is frightening and overwhelming, it throws him into a state of anxiety and irritation. See how this differs from being manipulative?

My child has autism. He knows it, I know it, and now you know it, too. Given the proper support and guidance, my child is a wonderful addition to your classroom - and I am a wonderful partner in his education. Refuse to listen to the specialists and implement the strategies they recommend, and I will be your biggest nightmare. This mama bear doesn't back down anymore....

No Excuses Allowed

Sometimes it's just plain and simple bad behavior. It's not a result of sensory overload, it's not because they are on the autism spectrum, it's not due to a lack of social understanding, it's just bad behavior.

Today my 11 year old was angry because he had to make a choice between two things he wanted and it was very clear that no amount of tears, questioning and whining was going to result in getting both things. He was offered options, the options were explained and he was told that expected, appropriate behavior would receive a reward. Despite all of that, when he was asked if he had made a decision about what he wanted he replied, "yes, I want you to go to hell."

When the staff member called me about the situation, he was already on the bus heading home. Luckily for him, I was en route to pick up the younger kids from school and wouldn't be home for another hour. I made a phone call home to let his dad know what happened and told him to ban our little angel from all computer and video games until further notice. I also made sure he knew to pass along the fact that I was NOT HAPPY.

There was no discussion with my son when I got home - there was nothing to discuss. There was a very concise, crystal clear talk from me expressing my disappointment and spelling out the consequences of both today's behavior and any future behavior of this type. Rest assured, by the time I finished talking he was very certain I meant every word I said and that any repeat of this behavior would lead to a very boring, very miserable life for a long time.

What struck me the most was his teacher's remark that she was going to write an incident report about his behavior but there wouldn't be a consequence issued at school. WHOA!! Oh yes, there was going to be a consequence at school - the same consequence that would be given to a student who isn't on the autism spectrum. ASD had nothing to do with his reactions today; it was bad behavior, plain and simple, and that is not acceptable. (He has been given detention after school at my insistence.)

I will fight for him when a behavior is a result of his ASD and lack of coping or social skills. I have fought for him many times and will always be his biggest advocate. Today, he didn't need me to stand behind him and explain how his brain works differently, how his lack of social skills contributed to his behavior or why he should be taught how to use coping skills in a situation
instead of punished. Today, he needed me to hold him accountable for his poor choices, set firm boundaries and expectations for him and ensure that he was given consequences that "fit the crime".

A part of raising my boys on the autism spectrum will always be to educate, inform, explain and sometimes even defend their behavior in a situation. But today, my job is to teach him that ASD is not an excuse to get out of trouble when he chooses to behave badly.

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

I know my list is pretty hefty this year, so if you can only deliver on a couple of my Christmas wishes I understand completely and will be grateful for what I receive. The ones I want the most are marked if you have to choose between which ones to give me.

*1.)  I'd like to take a picture of my children dressed in adorable Christmas outfits that reminds our Christmas card recipients of the Waltons, not the Simpsons. I'd like for each child to look at the camera, smile, not give bunny ears to the sibling they are sitting next to and for those adorable clothes to be hole and stain free just long enough for the perfect picture to be taken. I'd like to get the picture a) in time to send as a Christmas card and b) without selling my soul to Satan.

*2.) I'd like the 2 1/2 hour drive to my Mom's to be filled with either sounds of laughing, caroling children who aren't fighting, wrestling, crying or asking to stop at a gas station every 11 minutes OR the sound of five children sleeping throughout the entire drive. If you can't do either of those, I'd like a handful of Xanax and Starbucks' Skinny Vanilla latte to get me through the drive.

*3.) I want Christmas Eve and Christmas day to be fever, vomiting, diarrhea, strep throat, weird rash, trip to the ER free.

4.) I want all toys to come with directions in English that are written with words a person can understand without having a PhD in engineering. I'd also like for the packaging on these toys to be able to be opened by a woman of normal strength using only a simple pair of scissors.

Like I said, it's a hefty wish list - but all in all I've been a pretty good girl this year. If my list is too grand, I'll settle for a drive without someone being car sick and a nap.

Thanks Santa <3  The cookies and milk will be in the regular spot :)

There's a lot of conversation at our house about how 'change' does not always equal 'bad'. Teaching flexibility and adaptability are daily lessons. Like today for example - I did the unthinkable - I helped my youngest get ready to go play by putting on sock/shoe, sock/shoe instead of sock/sock, shoe/shoe. A lesson in flexibility :)  So if any of my brood reads this blog post before they are ready, I could be in for some LONG conversations....

A Letter to My Children (Biological and Otherwise)

Change is NOT always a good thing; sometimes changing is actually bad. 

There is a BIG difference between changing what you do and how you do it and changing YOU. There will be times in your life when you need to do the work to change yourself: when you realize that a new attitude towards someone or something will make you a better person, a time when you see that a long held belief is wrong, a time when you find that it is a part of you that is holding you back from your dreams and goals. It is at those moments when changing you is necessary.

And then there will be times when you start thinking that if you'll change yourself, your beliefs, your values, you will be accepted by 'the crowd'. Or maybe, just maybe, if you change who you are that guy/that girl will finally notice you and want to be with you. Those are the moments when I want you to remember that you are amazing, incredible, extraordinarily unique and special. It is when the thoughts of changing for someone else enter you mind that I need you draw on your inner strength, the love of family and TRUE friends, and NOT CHANGE a single thing!

You see, when you change who you are for anyone other than yourself, you lose more than you will ever, ever gain. It sounds old fashioned and possibly trite, but the people who deserve your friendship, your heart, your presence in their life, will want you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

The people who deserve the wonder of you will appreciate and admire your passion about things that are important to you, they will find your quirks endearing (even when those quirks are kind of annoying, too!), they will love that you make your own decisions and stand strong in what you believe is right. 

The guy or girl who deserves your time and devotion won't ask you to choose them over what is important to you. The guy or girl who professes their undying love to you and then says, "If you really love me you'll..." ISN'T the guy or girl who loves you, and they certainly don't deserve you! 

Never be guilted into changing your priorities or being someone other than you! There are few things worse than becoming a 'fake'. Have you noticed the inside of a Barbie or Ken doll is empty? They're plastic, fake dolls of people. Don't be Barbie/Ken!

When you change who you are for someone else, you begin to feel hollow inside. That is how you know the difference between changing for yourself and changing for another person. Changing for yourself leaves you with feelings of pride, fulfillment and happiness; changing for someone else will lead to feelings of sadness, confusion and disappointment. It is much easier to be the real you than to 'fake it' and deal with the consequences that are sure to come.

Finally, know that I LOVE YOU, unconditionally, just because you're YOU. There will never be another person in the world who is just like you! And really, anyone who wants you to be anything else is just too stupid to waste your time being around :) 

Sorry to those who have missed me, I've been blogging slacker. To be honest, life has been kind of blech lately and I didn't have anything witty, insightful or inspirational to post. Then I realized tonight that the blech days were why I started writing this blog - everyone has them, whether you are parenting "normal" or challenged kids, and everyone needs to know that they aren't in the boat alone.

At some point between conception and child birth most women start believing that they are solely responsible for everything that happens or doesn't happen in regard to their child(ren). Suddenly we have this irrational feeling that we have to be everything, all the time, to our family: the chef, the maid, the doctor, the care taker, the psychologist, the tutor, the chauffeur....we take it on willingly and usually happily. 

And then one day, for no reason we can readily identify, we are running on empty. It's the feeling of "I've given everything I have, I have no more left. I need a refill and I need it BAD." Those are my blech days. The days where I muddle through the responsibilities of every day life because I have to, not because I'm enjoying any part of it. They are the no energy, no desire to anything, no extra effort days. In the words of my Mom, they're the "fake it til ya' make it" days.

Mommy (and Daddy) friends, having a few days like this is NORMAL. Let's face it, there are very few people in the world who feel truly fulfilled by loading the dishwasher and doing laundry. Picking up toys, taking out the trash, and cooking meals that at least one person responds to with "Do I HAVE to eat this?" rarely leads to a feeling of being appreciated. Homework struggles, sibling squabbles and bedtime battles do not result in perky, I love my life moments.

The question is, what do we do to refuel? How do we move from blech to bliss? I bet you're expecting some kind of wisdom about now - answers to the questions above. Try not to be too disappointed, because I've got nothing! All I can tell you is you're not alone. We all have those days and we all get through them, it just takes some of us a little longer to shake the blechs than others.

For me, music, a long bath, time with another mom who "gets it" and writing help a lot. Out of those things, time with a friend who will listen, laugh, and let me vent a little helps the most. There's nothing quite like the bond between mommy friends. Mommy friends are the people who have your back, the ones who make you laugh when you want cry and scream, the girls you can have drinks with and not worry about what you say or being politically correct, they are the people you tell your secrets and dreams to without fear of becoming the latest bus stop gossip. Mommy friends know you, and they like you anyway :)

I'm a lucky girl. I have a circle of mommy friends who keep me sane, make me laugh and are there for me on the blech days. You girls know who you are and if I haven't told you recently, I love you! Without you, I'm pretty sure I'd be a long term guest at the Rubber Ramada ;)

@*#&$!!!!

Well, that's what I get for trying to write/post at this hour - an incomplete bolg entry that published. Trust me, I KNOW there were more quotes and stories there when I hit publish! Never fear, I'll share them later, after I've gotten some obviously much needed sleep.

I promised a lighter subject matter post, and I don't break my promises :)

Over the course of 13 years of parenting, I have been a witness to things done and said that leave me breathless from laughing so hard. It's like having a caravan of comedians living with me, except they usually have no clue why what they said is hysterical - and we all know that's a big part of why it's so funny! I try to make sure I jot down these gems when a kiddo says one, but some are so good they will be stuck in my head for all of eternity. While I don't use my childrens' names in my posts, tonight I'll use an initial. Although, any of you who actually have spent time with my brood could probably guess who said what....


"I thinked it would be happy, but it was NOT!" (C. age 3) This is the response my mother got when asking "why on earth would you try to flush a wooden block down Mommaw's potty?" Loosely translated: It seemed like a good idea at the time and I thought it would be funny - now, I'm thinking nope, it wasn't either of those.

"Owww! He just hit me in my tentacals!" (N. age 5) All I'm going to say is that I really tried teaching the proper terms for body parts.....obviously 5 was a little too young for some of them.

"Why are they making us learn Spanish, anyway? I already speak English goodly!" (S. age 7) Why yes, that was very goodly English, honey! Make sure you ask Mrs. H your question today so she knows just how well you know English, okay? Poor Mrs. H - I hope she didn't bite off her tongue or have a heart attack ;)

"For the truth, you mean? I really wanted to know if it would fit. It does, but it doesn't fit back out." (A. age 4) This is the answer the ER doc got when asking why he put a bead up his nose. Apparently, this is a pretty common answer to the question.....

"Leaves turn red in Fall and 2+2=4. I'm so glad God made me genius." (R. age 4) No self esteem issues here....little man was quite proud of his knowledge and thankful for its source :)

"Are you going to make any dinner or just stay sitting there? I'm starving." (C. age 6) My precious baby asked me this while I was sitting on the kitchen floor doing Lamaze breathing at 35 weeks prego with number 5. And yes, in between some serious contractions I did get the little monster, I mean angel, a decent dinner!

"You can't! No parents partner with their kid's school, except maybe in Mexico!" (N. age 13) Want to see a teenager have a Come to Jesus moment? Tell them you're going to meet with his teachers and principal to discuss how you can help with his academic development and study skills. Nuff said.....and oh, how the grades began improving QUICKLY.

I'm going to make a confession tonight. There was a point about 18 months - 2 years ago when I actually allowed myself to think "If he sat in a corner rocking back and forth and didn't talk parts of this would be so much easier." I still feel horrible for those five minutes I spent thinking that way. So many parents would trade everything they have for a child like my 11 year old! 

At that point he had just started receiving services after we finally got an educational diagnosis. God bless the autism consultant that patiently walked with me through the behavioral and academic challenges that were daily events. There are people who owe their lives to her, because I was on a Mommy warpath and was done playing nice! Not to mention that I'd be checked into the Rubber Ramada with a pretty jacket that lets me hug myself if she weren't around to offer friendship, kindness, support and remind me of all the real progress she's seen in the last two years. 

Flash forward to today. My littlest man had his first appointment with our pediatric neurologist in order to be medically diagnosed as having an ASD. (He was evaluated by the school corp. in March of 2010 and received an educational diagnosis.) This appointment didn't go as planned - in fact, I left shocked and a little angry. My two oldest have been seeing him regularly since 2002 and 2004 and I've always sung this doc's praises so today threw me for a major loop.

After briefly looking at baby boy's school evaluations and talking to me for a few minutes, he decided that neuro-psych testing is necessary because my son "talks too well, has a high IQ and doesn't flap or spin". I was reeling! It isn't that I'm opposed to more testing but that the doc was so uninformed. He actually said, "it could be Asperger's but not an ASD." HELLO!! Asperger's IS an ASD. That's why it's called a spectrum disorder Mr. Doctor. I have accepted that I will always have people say things like "Oh, I didn't know kids with autism could talk". Or "Autism spectrum, really? He seems so smart!"  I just never imagined I'd have to explain ASD's to a pediatric neurologist....

So, tonight you all get a little of me on my soap box giving the What Is An ASD infomercial:

1. Autism is a SPECTRUM disorder - by definition, every person will behave, react to stimuli and be socially adept at VARYING levels. Think of it like a line with point A being the child you see in the Lifetime movie of the week and point Z being the child who talks very well, gets A's in school but can't make friends and "doesn't get it" when it comes to social interactions.

2. Typically, children with an ASD are very smart! I know one child who can disassemble and reassemble nearly any electronic device on the market and he's 7. He uses words I have to look up in engineering books! Don't make the mistake of thinking people on the spectrum aren't smart - or you'll end up looking not very smart yourself.

3. Early intervention is of supreme importance. I know this firsthand, because my little man has gotten the benefit of everything I learned while navigating the path with his older brother. I saw the signs early and knew what I was seeing. He had the opportunity to attend a developmental pre-k program and is now in a wonderful program for children with developmental delays at his public elementary school. You wouldn't ignore a fever that lasted for a month, don't ignore the signs and symptoms of a developmental delay. For great information on early warning signs check out www.asa.org.

4. People, especially children, who have an ASD want to make friends and fit in socially, but they don't know how. You want to know the best, easiest way to help a child who has autism? Teach YOUR child(ren) that everyone is to be treated with kindness and respect, that being different is okay, that watching someone being teased and picked on but doing nothing is the same thing as being a bully.

That ends my soap box sermon for the night ;) I've already got ideas for tomorrow's post, and I promise, it'll be stuff that leaves you smiling and laughing! 

Remember all those things we heard from our mothers while we were growing up that we swore we'd never say to our own children? The things that drove us crazy, made us mad as hell, and somehow eventually turned us into mothers who now realize how lucky we are to have heard them and use those same phrases with our kiddos?

I have some favorites, ones I seem to say most, ones that hit the nail on the head, so to speak. Thanks Mom, for giving me an arsenal of tried and true Mom-isms :)

Well it didn't just grow legs and walk away
I bet I say this at least once a day, usually in a frustrated and low volume voice while looking for a lost glove, jacket, backpack, etc. This is my fall back when one of my angels is just positive that they put whatever we're in search of "right here". Let's face it - if they'd put it right there we wouldn't be looking for the item! Unless, of course, it grew legs and walked away.

Did you look with your Ray Charles glasses on?
One of my Mom's all time favorites! This is best said when a child has screamed "Mom, MOM! I can't find it ANYWHERE!" and you locate the toy/book/shoe within 60 seconds. I say this a lot when someone can't seem to find what they are looking for in the fridge.

All God's children want something, honey
My stand-by response to the endless I want requests. Mom, I want a pony that lives in my room; Mom, I want an iPod touch; Mom, I want 12 new video games; Mom, I want candy for dinner and to stay up til midnight. There's usually no use in explaining the why of my resounding NO. Why get into a lengthy discussion of animal care, family finances and nutrition when you can say All God's children want something honey, give a hug/pat on the head/kiss and move on to other topics?

Even if your temperature is 105 and you are bleeding from the eyes, you are NEVER staying home from school again!
I heard this one when I was 7 and managed to convince my Mom I really wasn't faking and should stay home from school. Not completely sure and wanting to make sure I learned a lesson, Mom banished me to my bed to nap and read because I was w-a-y too sick to do anything else. Well, let's just say that little girls too sick for school shouldn't jump on the bed, grab the curtains to steady themselves and then end up pulling the curtain rod and pieces of drywall out of the wall........I didn't ask to stay home or call home sick again until junior high.

It's okay if you don't like me, I'll ALWAYS LOVE YOU!
This is the one that made me see red. When all I wanted was to push Mom's buttons or make her feel bad for punishing me she said this in the most sugary, sincere voice. UGH! Now that I'm a mom I completely understand why she said it - it was the truth and she knew it would make me mad! Plus, there's no good smart mouth come back for that statement. ;) The more serious side of this saying is that my Mom knew it was important that I knew without a doubt that she would love me when I was happy, sad, mad or bratty - that is the one thing every child deserves to believe with all their heart.

And my very, very favorite of all-time:
Turn down that tribal voodoo war s#@& music NOW!
I think she said it once and oh, the laughing that ensued! My siblings and I nearly wet ourselves when we heard that one. She wasn't meaning to be funny - she really meant every word she said - but who wouldn't laugh at their Mom yelling that?! Twenty years later, uttered from my lips, it sent my kids into fits of giggles :)

Hopefully reading my short list has sparked memories of your Mom's famous lines. Don't forget to thank her for passing on her gems of motherly wisdom!

I knew it was coming, and yet the feelings of guilt, sadness and anger still surface. I officially requested a learning disabilities evaluation for my 9 year old son today. My all boy all the time, golden hearted, beautiful child failed English and had a D- in spelling on his report card. I know for a fact it isn't due to a lack of trying or not studying. We've been struggling with these areas since kindergarten.

At four years old he started speech therapy. When you have to interpret 75% of what your child is saying for someone else you know there's an issue that needs addressed. Five years later he is still working on his speech and is still difficult to understand at times. Maybe the fact that he can't say the word correctly contributes to his inability to spell the word....but my mommy gut says there's more to it than that.

When he was in second grade I asked about his frequent letter reversals and struggles with reading, especially reading comprehension. I was told letter reversals are still common in that age group and to continue working with him on reading. I hired a wonderful tutor who worked with him once a week over summer vacation hoping that would "catch him up". Third grade showed minimal progress, at least he wasn't failing in any subject areas then. His teacher voiced concerns about his his handwriting and how difficult it was to get him to write anything at all. He was placed in the RtI (Response to Intervention) program for reading and seemed to be progressing satisfactorily. Again, I decided to wait and see.

Fourth grade has been HARD. Spelling worksheets are 30-45 minutes of crying, erasing over and over and frustration for both of us. Most of the time he can't even copy the word from the list correctly. And when he does finally get the word in the blank it is usually so poorly written it makes a doctor's handwriting look neat. And Heaven help us if he has to write more than a word on a blank. I swear, this reading log thing they are doing may be the death of me!

As I reflect on why I waited so long to request formal testing I can come up with only one horrific reason. I didn't want to face the fact that another child has something wrong with the way their brain works. This blog is titled Swimmin' in Alphabet Soup because more of my children than not have some sort of neurological diagnosis that makes their life harder than it should have to be. The idea of having another of my babies diagnosed with something makes me feel nauseous. Four out five? At some point you have to start thinking, "What have I done to them?! I carried them inside me, gave birth to them, read to them, played with them, was an involved parent even during preschool - what the heck did I do wrong?!"

Even when I manage to put that part of the guilt aside, there will always be the guilt I deserve for not fighting for him harder, earlier. I cannot even imagine how his little ego and academic self esteem have suffered because I let him struggle so hard, so long. In the midst of fighting battles against a 13 year old's ADHD and an 11 and 5 year olds' ASD, I let him slip through the cracks. There isn't any justification for that - my JOB is to make sure none of my children slip through the cracks, and I have failed my Sweet Boy until now.

The good thing about guilt is that it is an enormous motivator to make things right. He will be evaluated, we will find out exactly where his deficits lie and then we will work together to make him successful in the classroom. He WILL move beyond his current belief that he can't do it and recognize that not only can he do it, but he can do it great! I know this will happen for him, because I won't quit until he believes it - I will never, ever fail him again.