Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Glitter - Tiny Pieces of the Seventh Circle of Hell

I have a daughter who'd make Martha Stewart proud, and she didn't get that from me. She is an 8 year old art addict - if it can be cut, taped, glued or painted she's on it like white on rice. I indulge her sweet little heart of an artist in every way possible, UNLESS there is glitter involved.

I have two theories of where glitter originated. 1) The Seventh Circle of Hell occasionally has pieces break off it and those pieces crumble into tiny shiny fragments that Satan himself then blows to earth. 2) A pre-school or elementary teacher invented glitter as their ultimate tool of revenge against parents.

Once a project with glitter enters your home, it's all over. Never again will you have a floor that doesn't sparkle, clothing that doesn't look like you raided the Kardashian sisters' closets or food that doesn't shimmer under the kitchen lights. You've heard the saying "it reproduced like rabbits"? Glitter makes a mockery of that statement.

There is no vacuum made that has enough suction to suck up glitter. Mop it up? Forget it! A mop will just redistribute the twinkling pieces to another portion of your tile or wood floor. You will leave your home looking like you're ready for 70's night, forever. You will think after dusting, vacuuming, steam cleaning carpets, sweeping and mopping that you have FINALLY eradicated your humble abode of the evil presence, and then you will find MORE. Suddenly the mere mention of Las Vegas, awards shows and Mariah Carey will make you cry unabashedly.

You want to tick off someone royally? Put glitter in the card or letter you send them. As these surprise glitter attacks become more common, people are beginning to think of party invitations and Christmas cards like letter bombs. "DON'T open that - It may be loaded!" Opening what was once anticipated mail becomes a lesson in how to don a Hazmat suit. If this horrible trend continues, authorities may have to train and deploy Glitter Squads for the protection of sane people's homes.

I realize that there will always be glitter fanatics. Should there come a day when it is unlawful to have and use the abhorrent craft material, an underground black market would surely arise. None of us want that. Instead, I propose creating glitter free zones. The No Glitter logo could be displayed prominently on front doors, children's backpacks and mailboxes. All the sparkly loving people can glitter each other to death - just leave the rest of us to our shimmer and shine free existence.

                            JUST SAY NO TO GLITTER


  1. Outstanding! It's so nice to know we have a support unit out there to stop this madness. We will bring glitter to its knees!

  2. Who wouldn't want a sparkly floor and shimmering food?! Glitter just makes life better; more beautiful!

    Glitter Enthusiasts of the World UNITE! Come find me on Twitter - I am @4LoveofCupcakes and I am starting a #GlitterAlliance !!


    *Sprinkles Glitter all over the place*

  3. Well, Jamie, I DON'T WANT A SPARKLY FLOOR OR SHIMMERING FOOD. As I said, if you and your band of twinkly, sparkly cohorts want to lay on a floor covered in glitter and roll in it, have at it and enjoy. Just don't force the crap on me and my home. For a great many of us, glitter free is the way to be! :D

  4. I feel your pain. I have red glitter glued to my kitchen wall from one of Abby's therapy crafts. I think it was marking it's territory. Zakk brought home a Christmas tree he decorated at school. I swear it has an 1/8 of an inch of glitter on it. I carefully folded it up and stuck it in a dark corner. He dumped a whole bottle of it at the secret santa event. I felt like he had just released hazardous materials into a room full if innocent people. I'm sure there is still a nice sparkly spot where it happened. Yes, this is am epidemic.


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